Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
