Your tits are I can't wait for
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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