i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
