Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
