Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i would punch a child for taco bell
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
