I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
