What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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