Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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