oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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