ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize