Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?