every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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