just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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