the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
