i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
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Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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