every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
