i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
