He is an equal opportunity slut.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
