Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
