I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
