He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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