Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
