I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my being single is dangerous.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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