happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
