He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
