how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
