So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
