im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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