Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
