I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
