1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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