true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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