she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
