My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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