Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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