He uses pillows to masturbate.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
