I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
