my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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