dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
