i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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