I just pynch a tree in the face
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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