Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
