i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
