This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
