Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
