it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
