i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
