I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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