Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
