I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
