I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
