I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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