I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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