i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
