judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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