I think I died a long time ago.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
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My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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