1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The air was thick with penises
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
