So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
