you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
