I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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